Don’t Tell Me How I Should Dress

#TBT to sometime in 2000 when I struggle with being a women big time

All my life people told me things like…”you’re so beautiful BUT you should wear your hair down”, “you should wear a dress👗”, “you should do a makeover” and it always has rubbed me the wrong way….it’s a trigger for me🤷🏻‍♀️

People have no idea how that makes me feel. I know they have no way of knowing it, but it makes me feel like something in me is fundamentally flawed😔

It started when I was maybe 2 or 3, I didn’t want to be a girl, I learned very young by my grandfather sexually abusing me that wearing a dress meant for easy access😱. I believed that being a girl made me vulnerable & weak, & that if I was a boy, I wouldn’t have been abused….so I became one🫤

My mom couldn’t put a dress on me🙅🏻‍♀️. I would argue that I was a boy & had a penis & that the reason why she couldn’t see it was because it was just very very small😅, she even had to call me Peter when calling me home from the park or I would just ignore her. I went around telling people I was a boy because I was sooooooo ashamed of being a girl🫣

I hated that I couldn’t lie about being a girl in school but I never stopped being a tomboy. It became painful when I started having crushes🥰, all the guys I liked never really liked me back, they usually liked the “girlie” girls…& it hurt sooooo bad💔. I wanted to be like those girls so bad but I just couldn’t. The wounds from the abuse were just too deep🤕

I’ve come a really long way though since I’ve started my healing journey😁. Slowly but surely, I’ve learned to embrace my femininity. I use to walk around dressed like a thug😝, at least now I’m able to wear leggings in public & once in a while take a pic with my hair down.

I like to think I’ve healed the wound but sometimes, when wounds are too deep, the scares remain🤷🏻‍♀️…I still can’t get myself to put on a dress or let my hair down in public. I feel shame all the way to my core…I just can’t go there😫

But I’m super proud of how far I’ve come💪. I know I still have a lot of work to do but I’m happy & comfortable with where I am now😏…I love myself❤️ & love that I’m different…until someone starts telling me what I should or shouldn’t do with my appearance🤨…that just makes me feel sad & reminds me of what I was robbed of as a child…my ability to be comfortable in my own body😥