Fawning
Updated: Mar 14
#tbt to 1993
I was 15 , freshly kicked out of school. I use to hang out at this pool placeš± owned supposedly by the Lebanese Mafia. I dated one of the owners, he must of been in his late 30ās or early 40Ā“sš³

It was in the day, everyone was in school when another one of the owners told me that he had a new batch of weed & would give me a dime to try.
I didnāt hesitate & followed him upstairs to an apartment. As soon as I got in, I knew I was in trouble. I heard several locks activated & as I turned around to look he gave me an evil smilešŗ & told me that no harm would be done as long as I just went along.
I did everything he told me to do, took my clothes off & layed down. I instantly dissociated as I was so use to doing with my grandfather when he molested meš¤®
I got through it, I donāt think it took very long. I got up & got dressed, he took out his keys & unbolted the door & as I left, threw me a dime bag. I felt so freaking used, stupid & ashamedš. I went to smoke the weed immediately, it was shitty, didnāt even get me highš
I lost a piece of my soul that dayš« ,..
The shame I carried around was nauseatingš¤¢, I even felt like I was a bigger bitch because it was as if I had slept with my pedophile boyfriendās friendā¦I felt so dirtyš
I kept thinkingš¤, why didnāt you fight back? Why didnāt you scream? Why did you even follow him up there? All that for a dimeā¦I felt like trashš, disposable & unworthy
I didnāt understand back then that I was fawningšµāš«, which is a survival mechanism. Fawning happens when you feel like you canāt fightš„ nor runšš»āāļø, itās similar to the freeze modeš„¶ but it goes a step further where the victim develops people-pleasing behaviors to avoid harm & to stay āsafetyā.
I now know I did what I had to do to survive. I have forgiven myself & have put the blame back where it belongs, onto that asshole who took advantage of a 15 year old girl who had no one looking after herš”
I know Iām not alone in this situation where I was raped & made to feel like it wasnāt rape because I compliedā¦if this was you, please forgive yourself, put the blame back where it belongs & make sure to remember thatā¦
It wasnāt your faultš