Fawning

#tbt to 1993

I was 15 , freshly kicked out of school. I use to hang out at this pool place🎱 owned supposedly by the Lebanese Mafia. I dated one of the owners, he must of been in his late 30’s or early 40´s😳

It was in the day, everyone was in school when another one of the owners told me that he had a new batch of weed & would give me a dime to try.

I didn’t hesitate & followed him upstairs to an apartment. As soon as I got in, I knew I was in trouble. I heard several locks activated & as I turned around to look he gave me an evil smile👺 & told me that no harm would be done as long as I just went along.

I did everything he told me to do, took my clothes off & layed down. I instantly dissociated as I was so use to doing with my grandfather when he molested me🤮

I got through it, I don’t think it took very long. I got up & got dressed, he took out his keys & unbolted the door & as I left, threw me a dime bag. I felt so freaking used, stupid & ashamed😓. I went to smoke the weed immediately, it was shitty, didn’t even get me high🙄

I lost a piece of my soul that day🫠,..

The shame I carried around was nauseating🤢, I even felt like I was a bigger bitch because it was as if I had slept with my pedophile boyfriend’s friend…I felt so dirty😖

I kept thinking🤔, why didn’t you fight back? Why didn’t you scream? Why did you even follow him up there? All that for a dime…I felt like trash🗑, disposable & unworthy

I didn’t understand back then that I was fawning😵‍💫, which is a survival mechanism. Fawning happens when you feel like you can’t fight🥊 nor run🏃🏻‍♀️, it’s similar to the freeze mode🥶 but it goes a step further where the victim develops people-pleasing behaviors to avoid harm & to stay “safety”.

I now know I did what I had to do to survive. I have forgiven myself & have put the blame back where it belongs, onto that asshole who took advantage of a 15 year old girl who had no one looking after her😡

I know I’m not alone in this situation where I was raped & made to feel like it wasn’t rape because I complied…if this was you, please forgive yourself, put the blame back where it belongs & make sure to remember that…

It wasn’t your fault😘

#fawn