Grieving The Father I Wish I Had
It’s been a few days since the conversation with my dad and although I didn’t feel much afterwards I am now giving myself space to be sad…& to grieve
The little girl in me still wants the great present dad she had until she was 8…I felt like I was his whole world, which I probably was back then since the relationship with my mom was bad…something in me doesn’t want to give up hope on having a daddy who loves me unconditionally, protects and guides me…
But…
I’m a big girl now…& I can take care of myself. I no longer numb or suppress my emotions, I realize that it’s ok to cry and that it’s normal for me to be sad as I understand & process the fact that he may never be able to overcome his own trauma
It hurts so bad…I envy those around me who have their dad available….those who still have a united loving family…I am grieving and going through it…Healing happens in layers, as we advance in our journey, certain things come back and have to be worked on again…this is a deeper level of grieving which involves a deeper level of understanding of how complex the situation is and more acceptance than what I’ve grieved before…I’m grateful for this process
I know that as I walk through the darkness, I am walking towards the light and guiding so many others who can still not see behind me…& that gives me purpose and a strong will to forever move forward and continue to do the work that I do
I love all of you who are inspired by me, you all help me through in this journey …I feel as though we are all connected and as I heal, we all heal a little together and the world becomes brighter
I’m starting to understand how to channel my pain, it’s a beautiful thing…
Deep breaths as I let the pain pass through me and transcend it into wisdom that I then use to inspire and empower others…this is what I was born for
I love myself, I love my life and I love my journey, the ups and the downs….everything happens for a reason and I’m finally letting go of understanding why everything happens and learning to trust the process