I AM ENOUGH
Updated: Sep 15, 2022
I didn’t get the attention I needed as a kid. As a teenager I rebelled out & did everything I could to get attention even if it was negative🤷🏻♀️…I begged at the subway, I sold drugs, I got into fights, I drank excessively🥃 to the point where I blacked out almost daily & never knew what had happened when I woke up at other peoples house the next day🥴, I ran from cops🚓, I got kicked out of high school, I dated old man & so much more…yet nobody came, I felt invisible
I craved for attention, daydreaming💭 that one day, I would somehow save the world🌍 …I wanted to be a martyr like Nelson Mandela …maybe then I would be worth attention😫
Fast forward to 2020, I became the 1st nurse to speak out at a rally against the lockdowns in Canada 🇨🇦…it got me A LOT of attention, some people even think I’m a hero…maybe, but really I just have always been thirsty for attention. I just wanted to feel loved❤️. I wanted to be enough. I wanted to be important.
That’s obviously not the only reason why I spoke out🗣, it’s a lot more complex & there’s so much more too it, but it’s definitely one of the reasons why I did. I wanted to be seen👀
I definitely got a lot of attention, good & bad😅. If I’m going to be honest. it really wasn’t what I thought it would be🤔. At first it did help, I really felt like I was enough for a while but then the insecurity of it all came back😓
Not being enough is a core wound🤕 & it takes many years to heal. Feeling as though you are enough will not be coming from an outside source, it’s an inside job, it must come from within. If you didn’t get the security of being enough from your parents you must at some point become your own parent😩 & reparent your inner child to make him/her know that they are enough just as they are…nobody else can give it to you but yourself🤷🏻♀️
Before the plandemic, when I felt safe, I had this under control but now that my survival mode has kicked back inthe pain of not being enough has returned😖…some days I feel contempt & feel that I matter & others I still feel insignificant, I doubt myself, I’m scared😱 and I wonder, what if I’m not good enough for the position I’ve taken?
On those days I know I have to slow down & give myself extra attention, love & care❤️🩹…& I also know that that’s ok…healing is a lifelong journey & I have to be patient with myself, rushing to heal only makes things worse🧘🏻♀️
I know that I’m not alone, many of us struggle with this, it’s a very common childhood trauma response…so just a friendly reminder to be kind to yourself & know that no matter where you are in your journey, what you have gone through or what you have done…
YOU ARE ENOUGH✌️