Keeping An Open Heart

Spoke to my dad this week, I thought that maybe he had had enough time to think about what I had said & came to his senses so I returned his call…I told myself I would never cut him off in case he changed, I will always keep my heart open in case he took accountability for what he’s done.

Saying it was disappointing is an understatement…he hasn’t changed at all, he tried to manipulate me into accepting his disillusions…tried to make me feel guilty for not feeling like I have any roots in Montreal

The worse part is, he only started speaking about me going back to my roots when his girlfriend died about 5 years back, telling me he was getting old…meaning that he needed me.

I feel so used by him and even though I feel guilty, I’m not going to fall for it..I’m breaking those old patterns of people pleasing to my own detriment…I don’t owe him nothing…he didn’t need me when he had his girlfriend, he even abandoned me for her for most of my life…& now he won’t even acknowledge it.

Letting him use me would be detrimental to my mental health as it would mean betraying my inner child , which would put me at risk for falling back into substance abuse . I’m not willing to do that for nobody….if I learned anything about my healing journey, it’s to put myself first so that I can be at my best…and show up as my best self for my kids

As he realized that I wasn’t falling for it, he began to show his true colours and started gaslighting me and telling me I was a huge liar…totally projecting.

I calmly told him that I loved him but that I wasn’t going to be taking his toxicity…I got to tell him that I would always be ready to hear him out when he takes accountability, stands in his truth and starts his own healing journey…but until then, I couldn’t have him in my life…then I hung up.

I thought I would be shaking throughout my whole body, crying but it didn’t happen. Nothing…I felt calm…relieved even for having had the chance to clearly explain myself and letting him know that I loved him…I’m at peace.

And I’m so proud of myself for standing up for that little wounded girl in me..she’s learning that she can truly trust me and she’s healing making me stronger and letting me shine my light even brighter