Lighting Up Susan’s Story… Susan is a participant in my online HEAL program and she has found her voice and the courage to share her story.
My birth mother was 19 yrs old when she had me. She had been sent away from her family's home to live in a home for unwed mothers in 1974. After giving birth she was allowed to come home with me but due to abuse by her narcissistic mother and a brother who was molesting her she decided to put me up for adoption to give me a better life. At 3 months old I went to live with a foster family and was adopted at 6 months old by a strict British couple. My adopted mother was also narcissistic and both my parents sexually abused me although the majority of the sexual abuse came from my father. I don't know when it started but I know they were both abusing me before grade one. My mom used to make me insert bath tub toys into myself during my bath. She was a teacher and she once shoved a ruler inside me. I remember a threesome at a young age with both my parents too and I although It was my dads idea my mom never hesitated. My dad finally stopped sexually abusing me after I asked him what would happen should he get me pregnant. I used to lie to him and tell him I was on my period and then steal my moms dirty pads to put in my garbage to cover my tracks. Some days my dads abuse seemed very loving but other times my knees and elbows were raw from carpet burns and I would beg to grab a pillow for some relief. He would shake me and choke me and smother my face in a pillow. Many times I thought it was my last day on earth but I never felt like an abused child because I never needed medical attention. He would say things like "I'll break your head" "I'll bash your head in" "If your brother kills himself it's because of you" "If your mom loses the baby it's because of you". I had so much responsibilty. I would call the children's aid and cops but they always shook hands with my dad as they left because I was the "problem child" and my dad had status in the community and both parents were actively involved in the church. When I didn't want to co -operate with his sexual advances he quoted the bible "Honor thy father and thy mother" I didn't want to be me any more. I didn't belong at home hardly had friends and was relentlessly bullied at school. I hated myself because nobody else saw my worth. I started cutting myself in grade three and made several suicide attempts. I now realize that in order to heal I need to reconnect to my inner child and embrace who she was/ is. Thank you for listening to my story. I made a promise to myself as a child that her suffering would not be in vain. I would write a book and give her a voice. I would share the creative ways my brain helped me to survive and cope and maybe one day inspire and help others. Sarah thank you for paving the way for me to find my inner lioness.”