Sexual Abuse & Pleasure

#tbt to sometime probably in 1983

Sexual abuse is not always what people think it is🤔, it’s not always physically painful. As a matter of fact, the body is made to protect us & will prepare itself for it, many actually feel pleasure…which further pushes us down the shame lane😓

For many victims of this heinous crime, the effects are lifelong & since no one likes to talk about it, a lot of these effects are unknown & misunderstood therefore remain very active in the survivors life without them knowing it, creating that toxic sense of being flawed & rotten to the core😞

It wasn’t that long ago that I became aware of how deep the damage was👀…I always wondered why I was always so attracted & longed to be loved by abusive man😳…they turned me on😖

As I studied myself it dawned on me as

of why this was. I recalled my grandfather sexually abusing me, I was only 5 but I knew it was wrong😰. I felt ashamed but I also felt pleasure, it was very intense, I was scared & felt lost in these unknown sensations that I also liked🫣…I felt excitement laced with emotional pain😮

I came to understand that feeling pleasure while being abused by a loved one made for an extremely intense orgasm…one that made the average one feel like it just wasn’t enough🤷🏻‍♀️

I subconsciously searched for that intensity in all my intimate relationships, love laced with abuse & pleasure💔. It’s ecstatic…my body craves to be abused as it comes🤯 & then once it’s done I feel terrible, shame, used, dirty, nauseated and just plain awful, it never fails🤮🤮🤮

Now that I know though, I’m so turned off by the thought of where this craving comes from🧐…I’m breaking the cycle🙅🏻‍♀️. I don’t care how powerful that distorted pleasure is, I’m never EVER giving into it again!!

From now on, the only relationship I’m going to settle for is a loving one❤️. I’m worthy of being loved without it being laced with abuse, shame and guilt. It might be boring at first but I know it will be 100% worth it in the long run & I’ll finally know what it’s really like to be loved😌 which may feel even better than those other twisted ecstatic pleasures I’ve been after all my life🥴

I know I’m not alone to go through this sick side effect of being sexually abused as a child…to all other survivors out there going through this, know that you are not alone, I stand with you👊…we shall overcome✌️