Sexual Abuse & Pleasure
#tbt to sometime probably in 1983
Sexual abuse is not always what people think it isš¤, itās not always physically painful. As a matter of fact, the body is made to protect us & will prepare itself for it, many actually feel pleasureā¦which further pushes us down the shame laneš
For many victims of this heinous crime, the effects are lifelong & since no one likes to talk about it, a lot of these effects are unknown & misunderstood therefore remain very active in the survivors life without them knowing it, creating that toxic sense of being flawed & rotten to the coreš
It wasnāt that long ago that I became aware of how deep the damage wasšā¦I always wondered why I was always so attracted & longed to be loved by abusive manš³ā¦they turned me onš
As I studied myself it dawned on me as
of why this was. I recalled my grandfather sexually abusing me, I was only 5 but I knew it was wrongš°. I felt ashamed but I also felt pleasure, it was very intense, I was scared & felt lost in these unknown sensations that I also likedš«£ā¦I felt excitement laced with emotional painš®
I came to understand that feeling pleasure while being abused by a loved one made for an extremely intense orgasmā¦one that made the average one feel like it just wasnāt enoughš¤·š»āāļø
I subconsciously searched for that intensity in all my intimate relationships, love laced with abuse & pleasureš. Itās ecstaticā¦my body craves to be abused as it comes𤯠& then once itās done I feel terrible, shame, used, dirty, nauseated and just plain awful, it never failsš¤®š¤®š¤®
Now that I know though, Iām so turned off by the thought of where this craving comes fromš§ā¦Iām breaking the cycleš š»āāļø. I donāt care how powerful that distorted pleasure is, Iām never EVER giving into it again!!
From now on, the only relationship Iām going to settle for is a loving oneā¤ļø. Iām worthy of being loved without it being laced with abuse, shame and guilt. It might be boring at first but I know it will be 100% worth it in the long run & Iāll finally know what itās really like to be lovedš which may feel even better than those other twisted ecstatic pleasures Iāve been after all my lifeš„“
I know Iām not alone to go through this sick side effect of being sexually abused as a childā¦to all other survivors out there going through this, know that you are not alone, I stand with youšā¦we shall overcomeāļø