The Attention Seeker

#tbt to sometime in 1998 or 1999

I grew up without no one paying much attention, as if no one had me in mind. My dad’s girlfriend became his priority & my mom was submerged in her work✍️. It seemed like no matter what I did, I couldn’t get them to see how hurt I was by their emotional neglect😔

I felt unimportant & even disposable, I daydreamed💭 of saving the world & becoming a hero, maybe then I would no longer feel invisible🫥. I was a good, kind kid until I realized that no matter how good I was , I wasn’t going to get the attention I needed so I rebelled. I started doing really bad things to get the attention I needed

I became a big attention seeker, positive or negative, didn’t matter to me as long as I got some. I was an easy target for predators as I became infatuated with anyone who showed a little interest. Subconscious attention seeking became one of my most powerful addictions😵‍💫

It became a part of my shadow self, where I seeked it no matter what the consequences & ignored my values, beliefs & every one else’s needs in the process.

As you can imagine, this became a huge issue as a parent. Every time my kids came up to me with a story, I turned it into something that was related to me. I didn’t listen to them fully, I would always get distracted or even dissociated, but they always had to listen to me😖

I became the exact thing that I hated about my parents😳, maybe not to the same degree but mentally I was zoned out or focused on my needs not realizing that I was somehow neglecting theirs🫣

I know I didn’t give my kids enough attention even though they might say or think I did…it’s so sad how when we are hurt, we project the same pain we have into the people we love without even knowing it🤯

These days, I’m a lot more conscious and aware of myself therefore I can also be more aware of others👀…I am trying to make it up to my kids & pay more attention to them. I might not have been mentally as present as I should have when they were young but it’s never too late🤷🏻‍♀️. Even though they are now older, they still & will always need their mommy to listen, guide them and share wisdom🧘🏻‍♀️

I know what it’s like to have parents that may never be able to be the parents I needed😢. I definitely don’t want that to happen to my kids. They are the biggest reason why I am on this healing journey❤️‍🩹….because I want to shield them from the intergenerational trauma, that cycle stops with me🙅🏻‍♀️

I am learning to give myself the attention I lacked & in return am able to also give some to my kids😁… It’s very challenging as the behaviour is deeply ingrained nevertheless it’s a beautiful thing when you heal & are able to truly give your children the things that your parents weren’t able to give to you💫…I’m absolutely loving the journey❤️