Wedding Anniversary

Seems surreal that 27 years ago today I got married, I had just turned 18 & he was 33😳. Seemed perfectly fine to me back then but now that Naomi is 17 & at the age where I met him, it’s absolutely so wrong😖. The power imbalance was too significant😒

It was a double wedding💍 with one of his friends getting married too. We had it in his one bedroom apartment with Tupac playing in the background🙄

I had no family there with me, my parents didn’t even no it was happening. I had one close friend there as my bridesmaid & that was it🤷🏻‍♀️

I never wear dresses therefore wore a black suit which from todays point of view was a sign of mourning & how the marriage would not last. I had my hair done that morning, which he insisted on & made me feel so uncomfortable as it was not me & triggered my trauma associated with my femininity. As I sat there at the hairdresser, I knew I was doing something very wrong, my gut told me to run away but my heart craved for the attention of a man who paid attention to me so I went along with it…I was also already 2 months pregnant🤰🏻

It wasn’t the usual proposal neither, he had told me that he had no papers & would have to leave the country. He informed me that I could help him if I married him. I didn’t hesitate to say yes, I needed him + I felt like he also needed me & that if I did this for him, he would surely love me for ever❤️

I wasn’t ready to lose him, he was like the father I so desperately needed. He gave me attention, opened my first bank account, showed me how to drive🚗 & even sent me back to school. I was also pregnant, this was my chance to finally have the united family I had always hoped to have.

The pain of it all being an illusion even showed up on our wedding day💔. We left my wedding to go to one of his female friends birthday party, I was already feeling my abandonment issues rise & the same dreadful feeling of not feeling important that I had picked up through my parent😔

It was the beginning of a 12 year long very difficult journey. He was deported not long after that, I fought to get his papers pretty much for that whole time even though he had come back illegally. He was physically & emotionally abusive, a true narcissist, he was a thief & a con artist who can never be trusted, he had many fake ID’s & passports

I wouldn’t change a thing if I could though as so many positive experiences & learning opportunities came out of it. I wouldn’t have my 3 beautiful daughters if it wasn’t for that marriage & I wouldn’t be who I am today therefore I have zero regrets but I realize I still have a lot of work to do when it comes to romantic relationships.

I left him almost 15 years ago & haven’t been in a real relationship since. I feel ready to now but can’t seem to find the right person, it may be me, too many fears, no trust whatsoever & maybe subconsciously pushing men away. I’ve done a lot of work on my inner child but nothing about the domestic violence…this year I will consciously start working on healing those parts of me❤️‍🩹 & just maybe, this will be the year where I find that special someone who will be willing to take the time & help me heal through him🙏🙏🙏