Written on January 8th, 2022
What’s my next move? I have no idea. I’m triggered, so much anxiety feels like I can’t breathe, there’s a knot in my throat & a hole in my solar plexus. I can’t help but to feel the exact same way I felt when I left my abusive marriage.
I didn’t know how on earth I was going to make it as a single mother with 3 kids (11, 3 & 2), I knew I was going to fall back into alcohol & weed since my ex was my reason for not doing it. I also knew it was going to be challenging financially. And what if my ex got really angry & came after us? I couldn’t help but wonder if leaving would be worse than staying for my kids
It’s not exactly the same but right now I’m feeling like I’ve flashed back into those days. I feel so insecure, things are so unstable, I have to move within 6 days & I still haven’t found a place. I feel like so much is playing against me, unemployed with bad credit + people are Googling me & not liking what they see. And I hate & don’t trust what the government is doing, I might be paranoid but I’m scared that at some point they will come after me since I’m obviously never going to shut up or stand down.
I’m not sure exactly what is the best move, what if I end up making a mistake? I feel like God is leading me somewhere but I hate not knowing where. What if I make the wrong choice & my kids suffer the consequences? What if I can’t handle what’s coming? The uncertainty is driving me crazy…& so is sobriety.
BUT now that I realize what is soooo triggering to me, I can remind myself of how well I’ve always adapted to all the challenges in my life. Leaving my ex was one of hardest decisions I had to make but it was also one of the best. I’m proud of how well I’ve done as a single mom & I did it all by myself.
As I remind myself of this, I recognize that I’ll be fine with whatever life throws at me.
Deep breaths as I move into uncertainty…I got this!!! Nothing can break me!!
I feel better already…I might not know what my next move will be but one thing I do know is that I have the capacity to overcome any challenges thrown at me :)